4.53am: Sleep gums my eyes, a thick, indistinct paste that holds my eyelids shut. But there has been a crisis, one of dire proportions. Discounts at stores have hit up to 75% and beyond and we do what we must because we can.
5am: The train rumbles and roars like a raging giant, except without any "Fee Fi Fo Fum"s. The MTA, Metropolitan Transport Authorithy is blessed; there are no thrice-damned bengsters tainting the air with bad music like Beautiful Girl.
5.45am: THIS IS MADNESS. Shoppers swarmed around us, every single one of them dedicated to the goal of entering Macy's, a veritable army of bargian hunters! A titanic battle to enter the shopping complex raged.
6am: They're everywhere! We're surrounded! There's no way we can reach the shopping products! Regroup my brethren, before all is lost!
6.30am: The escalators are so crowded, you'd think we were on a prisoner train to Auschwitz. Except we all have our hair and stylish clothes. The escalators here are antiques, wooden steps and platform spikes long enough to kill a vampire.
7am: Deployment! Spread out into our various departments to complete our objectives.
8am: The Men's Jacket section; the place smells of wealth and Donald Trump: Executive Luxury suits. There was this wonderful salesman who told us that the signs were wrong and that the prices and discounts were listed wrongly. We acted accordingly and brought our purchases to him, and he was humming to himself as he scanned the jackets. "Hmm-mm, I told Management the sign was wrong, what they do? Not my problem. Now what does the sign say? Oh my, the price listed is wrong too. What can I do eh?" Wonderful man.
9am: Plunder and booty! Two Ralph Laurens and 1 Alfani jacket, $750 in total, individually worth $250. Total cost for all three: $236.
11am: A thousand nations of the Macy's Empire, descended upon us! The main aisle was packed with so many people that I think if you fainted, the sheer pressure of the crowd would have kept you upright and moving forward. An epic battle to reach the exit ensued! With much clubbing, pushing, and 'Excuse Me'-ing, I made it behind this battleship of a lady, and she plowed forward inexorably! Lesser people scattered before her like bullets bouncing off armor plate. The crowds were so bad the shopping staff had set up evacuation lines, and trailing behind this unstoppable force of nature, I almost made it to the exit until this GARGANTUAN man came in front of us and stopped the both of us. The atmosphere was tense, as these two massive colossi faced off against each other, but eventually we made it out eventually, stumbling through the revolving doors that were clogged with people. The 6-hour sale attracted people to it like a corpse attracts flies, and more were coming every moment.
12pm: Old Navy Men's Department! A startling amount of women in the wrong department fooo. Bumped into this pretty Asian girl as I was not watching where I was going, and the first thing I said to her was "Hey, you don't look like a man." I win.
2pm: A heavy burden lifted from our shoulders. Our duty was done. We had braved the 8-hour gauntlet of 75% discounts, three stores wide. Our bodies were trembling with exhaustion, but our spirits soared with triumph!